How Intimacy Can Be Realized Through Conflict

boundariesdating8_300What is your normal reaction when conflict occurs in a new relationship? Are you comfortable addressing the issue? Or, do you stuff the issue out of fear or a desire preserve the peace? Honesty is the best policy for two important reasons:

  1. Being honest helps resolve the hurt or the conflict.
  2. When you are honest, how the other person responds tells you whether a satisfactory relationship is possible.

If you are hurt in some way, bring it up. Don’t harbor bitter feelings. Or, if there is something that the other person has done that you do not like, or goes against your values, or is wrong, it must be discussed. If you don’t, then you are building a relationship based on a false sense of security and closeness. And it is possible that your feelings will be confused by hurt and fear. A lot is lost in not finding out who the other person is and where the relationship could really go, if one or both people are not facing hurt and conflict directly. In reality, a conflict-free relationship is probably a shallow relationship.

Second, you need to find out if the person you are with is capable of dealing with conflict and hurt directly. The Bible and all relationship research is very clear on this issue: people who can handle confrontation and feedback are the ones who can make relationships work. You must find out, sooner rather than later, if the person you are with is someone you can talk to. If you get serious with someone who cannot take feedback about hurt or conflict, then you are headed for a lifetime of aloneness, resentment, and perhaps even abuse.

Proverbs puts it well about a person who cannot take confrontation: “Do not rebuke a mocker or he will hate you; rebuke a wise man and he will love you” (Proverbs 9:8). “A mocker resents correction; he will not consult the wise” (Proverbs 15:12).

Whether you’re dating someone, starting a new friendship, or building a business alliance, you need to know if you are in a relationship with someone who is going to be defensive when you bring up hurt or conflict, or if you are with someone who is going to be able to listen, learn, and respond. If you do not deal with conflict early on, and the relationship gets serious, then you have bought yourself a world of trouble.

Honesty over hurt and conflict creates intimacy, and it also divides people into the wise and the foolish. But being honest is totally up to you. You cannot control what the other person does. However, you can decide what kind of person you are going to be. As a result, you will also be deciding what kind of person you are going to be with.


Taken from Boundaries in Dating: How Healthy Choices Grow Healthy Relationships by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. Click here to learn more about this helpful book and read a sample chapter.



  1. DeAnn says

    I am with a man that now feels that once he listens to what I have voiced what is hurting me from his lack of Intimacy with me that all is well because we sat to talk but really nothing was said on his part. Nothing changes after our talk. He is only home a couple of days a month and he shows nothing toward me just a hug when coming in and another when leaving. I feel unloved and unwanted but I refuse to beg for his Love and Attention any longer.

    • says

      DeAnn, my heart aches for you. I was in a decaying relationship for over 30 years. I wanted that marriage so bad but he didn’t and I paid a high price for sticking with it longer than I should have. I was mentally, emotionally and spiritually deficit in that relationship; he never put anything toward it. It was damaging for both of us and our 3 adult children. I would like to encourage you to take a leap of faith, step out of a dysfunctional lifestyle, find out how wonderful life really can be when you’re willing to go after what YOU want and what YOU need. You deserve to be loved and happy. You deserve to have someone display warm affection and attention to you. Be in a relationship that is functional, one that is satisfying for you and your partner. I wish you well.

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