The Disease of Self-Sufficiency

Safe PeopleMy (Dr. Townsend) three-year-old son, Benny, is now firmly ensconced in the “I can do it!” stage of life. The other day we were getting ready to go out to dinner, and everybody was ready but Benny. He’d gotten all ready except for his pesky Velcro-strapped tennis shoes. They just wouldn’t cooperate.

Being the helpful father (actually, the hurried father), I bent down to fasten his shoes for him. He quickly pushed my hands away, protesting, “I’ll do it! I’ll do it!” And he meant it. So we negotiated. I put him in the car and let him put the shoes on while we were driving to the restaurant. It was win-win.

Now, Benny is in love with autonomy, task mastery, individuation, and a lot of other developmental aspects of his growth. He is working on self-sufficiency, especially in the functional, “doing” parts of life. But Benny’s self-sufficiency is a little different in the relational, “loving” areas of life. Instead of task mastery exhilaration (“Look, Ma! No hands!”), he is still dependent on attachment. He needs snuggles, holding, soothing, and comforting. He certainly disagrees a lot more, and he likes to spend more time away from his parents, but the need for connection is still there.

That need for attachment will keep changing over time, and eventually, if things work out, Benny will have enough of us inside him (literally, he’ll have “had enough of us”). Then he will get his emotional needs met by peers and finally, by his own family. But he’ll continue to grow in his functional self-sufficiency.

People who avoid relationships have problems not with functional self-sufficiency but with relational self-sufficiency. The problem with the relationally self-sufficient person is that he operates in his own relational world. He runs his emotional affairs like a one-man business. His emotional philosophy is the following:

  • I take care of my problems.
  • I don’t burden others with my problems.
  • I can handle my problems myself, thank you.
  • I’m fine, really.
  • No, really, I’m fine.

What’s wrong here? God doesn’t create us to be relationally self-sufficient. He loves us to need each other. Our needs teach us about love and keep us humble. True self-sufficiency is a product of the Fall.

________

Click to Tweet: God doesn’t create us to be relationally self-sufficient. He loves us to need each other. Our needs teach us about love and keep us humble. True self-sufficiency is a product of the Fall.

________

If you’ve got the disease of self-sufficiency, you’ve probably had it a long time. And you’ve probably described it in positive terms like responsible, independent, and grown-up. Indeed, self-sufficiency has lots of advantages, because you get to avoid all the uncontrollable problems and risks that needy people can’t get away from. Here are a few examples:

  • You don’t have to experience your incompleteness, which is painful.
  • You don’t have to go to the trouble of finding people to love you.
  • You don’t have to show other people the hurting, imperfect parts of yourself.
  • You don’t have to look anyone in the eye and say, “I need you.”
  • You don’t have to risk asking others to comfort and support you.
  • You don’t have to humbly receive what they offer, in gratitude. And you don’t have to do it again and again and again.

No wonder giving up self-sufficiency is so difficult. Life seems to have many more problems when your needs start leaking out.

What to do? If your self-sufficiency is driving you away from relationship and into isolation, begin the process of confession. Confession is telling the truth, and the truth is, you need people. The reason people say confession is good for the soul is because it brings unloved parts of our character to places of love.

Find people that understand self-sufficiency. They’ll know you can’t “feel your need” for them. But they’ll help you state your isolation, talk about the reasons you’re disconnected, and discuss how hard it is to give up your independence. As you confess this problem to safe people, a wonderful miracle happens: over time, self-sufficiency melts and gives way to need. You are then reconciled not only to God and others, but also to yourself.

Let the love God has provided begin to melt the cold, hard ice of your self-sufficiency.

________

Taken from Safe People: How to Find Relationships That Are Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren’t by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. Learn more about this helpful book.

➡ Get The 10 Laws of Boundaries eBook when you subscribe to the Boundaries Weekly email newsletter. Learn More

Comments

  1. Overwhelmed says

    In a perfect world. But many of us don’t have family/friends/church family who care. Some of us are the ones that everyone else leans on and are never allowed to have a bad day.

    • Kent says

      Bad Day

      Can I just once have a really bad day
      Can I speak in angry tones,
      in a deeply troubled way
      When you ask me how I am,
      could I holler “not today”
      Can I just once have a really bad day

      Can I blow a gasket and not end up dismissed
      May I please unmask-Sir and we both still coexist
      Though comments burn like acid
      and awkward truths persist
      I wish that I could be myself
      and still be sweetly kissed

      Kent Harvest

  2. Stephen Stilley says

    Thank you so much for this. I know I need others in my life and tears flow when they leave. Gods love comes to me and His love is all I need. The problem is that He gives me His love through other people around me. I just cannot get all His love He wants to give me unless I accept His love from the many sources (persons) He desires to give me love. (just think about all His children I am supposed to love) Wow, what a Jesus program.

  3. Kim says

    This is my husband. He has gotten so bad all he wants is a divorce. He has even pulled away from our young adult kids. Life seems like a chore to him. He has no joy at all even though he is so wonderfully blessed. He also wants NOTHING to do with God. How do you help someone like this? I have backed off and for the most part we live separate lives but it is so lonely for me.

  4. says

    Or when self-sufficiency occurs as a result of so many let downs…when long term 20+ and 30× year relationships end suddenly with no clear explanation. Betrayal is huge…and sometimes protecting yourself makes you self sufficient without meaning or desiring to….

  5. Diane Keevil says

    I am dealing with a self-sufficiency problem in my husband, that has manifested in being completely closed off from everyone else. While he appears to be outgoing and friendly – he only lets people in at his own terms. He doesn’t confess doubts, hurts or sins. His relations with me are very superficial, and doesn’t seem to have empathy beyond the spoken word to my emotions. He has no close friends – and has had no romantic relationships in his life besides me. Our emotional closeness has progressed no further than when we were dating – and in fact has regressed. We have done marriage classes and some counseling…but he stonewalls and will not try anything suggested. I think there is some issues in his family background that made him choose to be this “safe”, but he won’t discuss or acknowledge them.

  6. Rosemary says

    @Diane. Just keep praying God that wirk s out the has for both of you.
    This might lead to your taking ng some painful steps. But if God is with you , you and eventually him will find peace with God. Shalom

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *