Boundaries Blog — family

The first time I was explicitly taught about boundaries was by my Christian therapist. While it seemed that everyone I knew took pity on my mother, my therapist was the first to suggest I might benefit from moving out of my mother’s house and finding a different church. At the time, I thought that leaving my mother’s house was an act of disobedience, and leaving church an act of disloyalty (and perhaps even blasphemy).

Still, I became more open to her advice as I grew to trust her little by little. I still remember her reaction when I told her I saved enough money to properly move out of my mother’s house. She let out a faint smile of relief, straightened up in her chair, exhaled, and proceeded to teach me the most important lesson about boundaries.

Question: Dr. Townsend, my mother makes snide comments that she will threaten to harm herself if I don't come home for every major holiday and her birthday throughout the year. How am I supposed to respond to her comments?

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. It's not funny, and is actually troubling, for a mom to make these sort of comments, even if she says she is joking. A part of us will always wonder how serious this is. The great majority of the time, these "guiltifying" statements are actually indirect expressions of disappointment, sadness or frustration that the person does not feel safe admitting....

Children need more than a parent who will talk about boundaries. They need a parent who will be boundaries. This means that in whatever situation arises, you respond to your child with empathy, firmness, freedom, and consequences. This is how God handles his children, and he is our model. But, sometimes parents contribute to the problem by trying to justify their kid's behavior, rather than addressing the issue.

Setting boundaries with kids isn't about "making" your child do anything. It is much more about structuring your child's existence so that he experiences the consequences of his behavior, thus leading him to be more responsible and caring....

Amy and Randall had been married for eight years, and they loved each other. However, when he was angry or upset, Randall became moody and would withdraw from Amy and the kids, except for occasional outbursts of anger.

When his manufacturing business was struggling, he would sit silently through dinner. Once, during this period, the children were arguing at the dinner table. Out of the blue, Randall said, "Amy, can't you keep these children in line? I can't even have a moment's peace in my own home!" And with that, he stormed out of the kitchen into his home office, turned on the computer, and stayed there until the kids went to bed.

Amy was hurt and confused. But she had a pattern of "handling" Randall's moods. She would try to cheer him up by being positive, encouraging, and compliant....