Boundaries Blog — relationships

Romance is great. Sexuality is great. Attraction is great. But here is the key: If all of those are not built upon lasting friendship and respect for the person's character, something is wrong.

A real and lasting relationship must be built upon friendship first. You are going to spend a lot of time with that person....

Amy and Randall had been married for eight years, and they loved each other. However, when he was angry or upset, Randall became moody and would withdraw from Amy and the kids, except for occasional outbursts of anger.

When his manufacturing business was struggling, he would sit silently through dinner. Once, during this period, the children were arguing at the dinner table. Out of the blue, Randall said, "Amy, can't you keep these children in line? I can't even have a moment's peace in my own home!" And with that, he stormed out of the kitchen into his home office, turned on the computer, and stayed there until the kids went to bed.

Amy was hurt and confused. But she had a pattern of "handling" Randall's moods. She would try to cheer him up by being positive, encouraging, and compliant....

I (Dr. Cloud) was once meeting with a couple who had given up hope in their relationship. I knew that they were at the end of themselves. From their perspective, divorce was the next option. At the same time, I knew that their problems were curable. I felt that we first needed to put this couple's hopelessness on the table, so I asked, "Do either of you have any hope for this marriage?"

"No, we don't," they both finally admitted.

Then I said something that threw them: "Good! Now we can get to work."...

"I don't understand what happened," Todd told me (Dr. Cloud). "It seemed that Mary and I were doing so well, and then she just came in one day and told me that she didn't want to be with me anymore. She was very angry about a lot of things."

"Did you have any warning?" I asked. "Did she give any signs?"

"Well, sometimes I could tell that she was sort of pouty about things. There would be things I did that she would not like, but I never thought it was a big deal. Like when I would be late, or go out with my friends without telling her. Or, sometimes, I would cancel on her to go play basketball if a good game came up. That kind of thing. But I never thought it was a big deal," he mused....