By Dr. Henry Cloud
Numerous problems arise when we fail to set good boundaries and maintain them. If we do not realize what we are responsible for and what we are not responsible for, we can suffer from the following symptoms.
Symptoms, you recall, point to the existence of an underlying problem. Few people have ever come in to my office and said, “Dr. Cloud, I have trouble setting boundaries, and I need your help in learning how to set good boundaries.” But people do seek help for the following symptoms, when their real problem is often confusion about where and how to set boundaries.
Depression
Many people experience depression because they do not set good boundaries. The lack of boundary setting sets them up for being mistreated, and much pain follows.
Others are depressed because they turn their anger inward at people who are controlling them. If they aren’t in touch with their choices, they think they have no choices, that other people have control over their choices. They become resentful, perhaps even bitter.
Panic
Panic disorders—attacks of sudden, overpowering fright—most often fall in this category. Many people panic because they think they have no control over what happens to them. They think they must do whatever anyone wants them to do, and they feel out of control. Having others in control of one’s life and choices can be very scary. It’s a prescription for panic disorder.
Resentment
Many people resent certain things because they are doing them “reluctantly or under compulsion” (2 Corinthians 9:7). To comply with others’ wishes, they do what they really don’t want to do, then resent it later. Martyrs—people who assume an attitude of self-sacrifice or suffering in order to arouse feelings of pity or guilt in others—often display this symptom. Their giving is not really giving because it has strings attached.
Passive-Aggressive Behavior
Passive-aggressive behavior is characterized by indirect resistance to demands for adequate performance in social or work settings. For example, if a woman is pressured to serve on the school’s cultural arts committee, she may say yes and then resist passively by forgetting appointments, procrastinating on projects, or misplacing important materials. She did not have the courage to set proper boundaries and just say no to the request to be on the committee.
When we do not set limits and let our “yes be yes and our no, no,” we may set those limits passively. Many who struggle with uncompleted promises to others are really being passive-aggressive. They express the aggression of saying no in a passive way.
Codependency
Codependency is a learned pattern of attitudes, feelings, and behaviors in which people seriously neglect their own health and well-being for the wishes of others. Codependent people always put the other person first, often to their own detriment. They do not see who is responsible for what and often enable evil. These people are always confused about boundaries. In taking responsibility “for” others, they fail to act responsibly “to” them.
Identity Confusion
Identity comes from owning who we are and realizing all of our attributes. People who are not taking responsibility for what falls within their boundaries, and not being separate from others, are unable to tell what is them and what is someone else. We need to know who we are apart from others.
Difficulties with Being Alone
Some people have not established good enough boundaries so that they are able to have a self apart from others. They fear being alone, for they will not be with anyone; there is no one inside. They do not have the internal structure to contain the love they have for and from others. They always have to be with someone to survive.
These people have not failed to bond, but they have failed to develop an internal structure to hold the bonding inside. It is like pouring water into a cup with no bottom. The more love they get, the more they need. They have no ability to hold on to it. They need limits—boundaries—to help them form some internal structure.
Masochism
Masochists are people who get pleasure from suffering physical or psychological pain inflicted by others or by themselves. Masochists are unable to set limits on others’ abusive behavior. They get a perverse pleasure out of being subjected to pain or humiliation. The pain causes more and more need, which makes it harder to set limits on the other person. They need someone so much, they can’t limit them. Masochists need to establish a support network to learn to set limits on abuse.
Victim Mentality
People who suffer from a victim mentality see themselves as victims of circumstances and other people. They never take responsibility for themselves. They use words like, “I had to” and “I had no choice.” Everything happens to them. They deny any sort of responsibility, especially in the areas of choices. They think they have no choices.
Blaming
Blaming is similar to victim thinking; blamers always direct responsibility for pain and change toward someone else. No doubt others cause us pain, but when we get into the “blame game,” we make others responsible for dealing with our pain, and that keeps us stuck. People who stay in the blame stage never change, for they take no responsibility for making changes in their own attitudes, feelings, or behaviors, when such changes would ultimately help them.
Over-Responsibility and Guilt
People who do not have clear boundaries feel responsible for things that they should not feel responsible for, like others’ feelings, disappointments, and actions. They feel guilty for not being what others want them to be and for not doing what others want them to do. They feel like they are bad for not carrying through on “their” responsibility: to make others happy.
What to read next: Symptoms of Failure to Set Boundaries, Part 2
Adapted from Becoming an Adult: Advice on Taking Control & Living a Happy, Meaningful Life by Dr. Henry Cloud. Click here to learn more about this book.
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