Setting healthy, biblical boundaries with others, particularly those in need, can seem selfish, uncaring, and unloving, particularly for Christians. It is absolutely true that we are to be a loving people, concerned for the welfare of others. In fact, the number one hallmark of Christians is that we love others (John 13:35).

So don’t boundaries turn us from other-centeredness to self-centeredness? The answer is no. Appropriate boundaries actually increase our ability to care about others. People with highly developed limits are the most caring people on earth.

How can this be true?

First, let’s make a distinction between selfishness and stewardship. Selfishness has to do with a fixation on our own wishes and desires, to the exclusion of our responsibility to love others. Though having wishes and desires is a God-given trait (Prov. 13:4), we are to keep them in line with healthy goals and responsibility.

Our Needs Are Our Responsibility

It is crucial to understand that, even with God’s help, meeting our own needs is basically our job. We can’t wait passively for others to take care of us.

This is a very different picture than many of us are used to. Some individuals see their needs as bad, selfish, and at best, a luxury. Others see them as something that God or others should do for them. But the biblical picture is clear: our lives are our responsibility.

Stewardship

A helpful way to understand setting limits is that our lives are a gift from God. Just as a store manager takes good care of a shop for the owner, we are to do the same with our souls. If a lack of boundaries causes us to mismanage the store, the owner has a right to be upset with us.

We are to develop our lives, abilities, feelings, thoughts, and behaviors. Our spiritual and emotional growth is God’s “interest” on his investment in us. When we say no to people and activities that are hurtful to us, we are protecting God’s investment. As you can see, there’s quite a difference between selfishness and stewardship.

Balancing Our Needs with the Legitimate Needs of Others

Appropriate boundaries don’t control, attack, or hurt anyone. They simply prevent your treasures from being taken at the wrong time. Saying no to adults, who are responsible for getting their own needs met, may cause some discomfort. They may have to look elsewhere. But it doesn’t cause injury.

This principle doesn’t speak only to those who would like to control or manipulate us. It also applies to the legitimate needs of others. Even when someone has a valid problem, there are times when we can’t sacrifice for some reason or another.

God intends for us to know when we’re hungry, lonely, in trouble, overwhelmed, or in need of a break—and then to take initiative to get what we need. The Scriptures present Jesus as understanding this point when he left a crowd of people in a boat in a time of great ministry and need: “because so many people were coming and going that they [Jesus and his disciples] did not even have a chance to eat, he said to them, ‘Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest.’” (Mark 6:31).

In another example, Jesus left the multitudes to be alone with his Father (Matt. 14:22–23). In these instances, we have to allow others to take responsibility for their own needs (see Gal. 6:5) and to look elsewhere to get their needs met.

            

Adapted from The New York Times bestselling book Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life by renowned psychologists Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.

            

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