Boundaries Blog

One of my (Dr. Townsend) closest friends, Chuck, is a talented songwriter. When we were college buddies, I was visiting him in his room one day. Chuck picked up his guitar and said, "Want to hear my new love song?" I said I did, and he sang me the following: "I love you. Always have, always will. What's your name?"

I never found out whether Chuck was referring to his dating history or simply observing college romantic life, but I knew I could identify with his lyrics. I understood the ritual of intense professions of undying love, followed by the realization of utter ignorance about one's beloved. In other words, too much, too fast....

Remember the old saying "Come on, this is not brain surgery"? It was meant to convey the simplicity of an answer or a concept, and often meant to prod people to get off their butts and do what is obvious. That is how it is with a leader's boundaries. It is profoundly simple. You do not have to be a brain surgeon to establish the boundaries that are usually made by a great leader.

But at the same time, underneath it all, it really is brain surgery, because the reason that a leader's boundaries work is that they actually make it possible for people's brains to function as they were designed....

When children come into the world, they are confused about the nature of their relationships. They do not think they are dealing with one person. In their minds, there are two mommies, not one. Or, two daddies, not one. There is the "good" mommy and the "bad" one.

The good one is the one who gratifies them. When they are hungry or needy, they protest, and the good mommy comes and relieves their stress. When they are gratified, they see this mommy as "good." But if something they want is not forthcoming and Mommy frustrates their wish, she is seen as the "bad" mommy. You may even remember this literally happening. It is not unusual for a child to hear "no" and say, "Bad Mommy." This split is universal....

There are several dimensions to how successful leaders think that are important to know, but I want to focus on five especially. If you want to develop your thinking, the following practices will serve you well.

1. Know Your Cognitive Style