Boundaries Blog

Numerous problems arise when we fail to set good boundaries and maintain them. If we do not realize what we are responsible for and what we are not responsible for, we can suffer from the following symptoms.

Symptoms, you recall, point to the existence of an underlying problem. Few people have ever come in to my office and said, “Dr. Cloud, I have trouble setting boundaries, and I need your help in learning how to set good boundaries.” But people do seek help for the following symptoms, when their real problem is often confusion about where and how to set boundaries.

The word no has to be one of the most powerful and liberating words in the human language. No other word does what the word no does! Rather than close doors, no often makes sure that the opportunities already opened remain accessible.

Balanced people love the word no. They understand that no paves the road to realizing greatness by creating space in our lives ...

A woman came to see me (Dr. Cloud) once for help in her marriage. She described her husband as so "powerful" and "intimidating" she just could not find it in herself to talk to him about things bothering her.

"Why don't you just talk to him about these things?" I asked.

"Oh, I just couldn't do that," she would reply. "He's too strong. He's so intimidating. I just don't know what to do."

After seeing I wasn't getting anywhere by suggesting she talk to her husband, I asked her if her husband would come in to see me. She said she would tell him I would like to talk to him. I had no idea what I was in for....

Authors Henry Cloud and John Townsend define a boundary as "a property line." One of the functions of healthy boundaries is to protect the "property" of our relationship from trespassing. In Boundaries in Marriage, Cloud and Townsend write, "While many dynamics go into producing and maintaining love, over and over again one issue is at the top of the list: boundaries. When boundaries are not established in the beginning of a marriage, or when they break down, marriages break down as well.... For this intimacy to develop and grow, there must be boundaries."

As Audrey and I entered into marriage, we knew that the locomotive of our love would not stay on track without boundaries....

As an adult, loving and honoring your parents does not equal obeying. God placed you with your parents for a season of time to help you grow into a mature adult. At some point this season ends, and your relationship with your mom and dad changes from child-to-parent to adult-to-adult. The roles change from dependency and authority to mutuality. While you are to respect and care for your parents, you are no longer under their protection and tutelage. Children are to obey parents, while adult children are to love and honor them. Therefore, sometimes you will need to confront parents, disobeying their desire for you to agree with them or go along with a bad situation.

People often have difficulty confronting parents, because they still feel like a little child with them....