Boundaries Blog — Boundaries

Burnout sneaks up slowly over time, hitting you when you least expect it. It’s also on a continuum. At one end is a mild form of burnout where you can still function externally but are suffering inwardly. At the other end, you’re so exhausted you can’t get out of bed, much less function. Most who struggle with burnout find themselves sliding back and forth on the continuum. Bear in mind, the more severe and chronic your burnout, the greater your risk for physical and mental health problems.

If you are struggling, I suggest you avoid the temptation to view life as a continuous sprint with the goal of doing more and more, faster and faster. While periodic sprints are sometimes necessary, sprints should be the exception, not the rule. It may be more helpful to view life as a marathon....

Ephesians 4:26 says, “Be ye angry, and sin not.” Considering the spiritually, mentally, and physically destructive potential of anger, why doesn’t the scripture say, “Do not be angry so you won’t sin”?

Is anger ever a good thing? The answer is yes, sometimes it is. Anger is not a sin. No emotion is a sin. So why this warning about anger and not sadness or fear? I believe it’s a question of valence. Let me explain. One way to study emotions through an academic lens is to categorize them in ways that clarify similarities and differences. Two common categories are called valence and motivational direction....

Question: Dr. Townsend, can you give advice for someone who thinks they are married to a narcissist? Everything seems to revolve around my spouse's wishes and demands.

Dr. Townsend: I'm sorry to hear about your situation. First off, the label of "narcissism" is not very helpful unless you are talking with a licensed therapist who has actually done an interview and diagnosed the person. People throw around the term, "narcissism," a lot and it gets confusing. It's much more helpful to talk about specific attitudes and behaviors that are problematic. For example, your second sentence, about everything seeming to revolve around your spouse's wishes and demands, is clear and specific. So let's deal with that aspect and get you some relief. Here are four tips ...

The first time I was explicitly taught about boundaries was by my Christian therapist. While it seemed that everyone I knew took pity on my mother, my therapist was the first to suggest I might benefit from moving out of my mother’s house and finding a different church. At the time, I thought that leaving my mother’s house was an act of disobedience, and leaving church an act of disloyalty (and perhaps even blasphemy).

Still, I became more open to her advice as I grew to trust her little by little. I still remember her reaction when I told her I saved enough money to properly move out of my mother’s house. She let out a faint smile of relief, straightened up in her chair, exhaled, and proceeded to teach me the most important lesson about boundaries.

A woman came to see me (Dr. Cloud) once for help in her marriage. She described her husband as so "powerful" and "intimidating" she just could not find it in herself to talk to him about things bothering her.

"Why don't you just talk to him about these things?" I asked.

"Oh, I just couldn't do that," she would reply. "He's too strong. He's so intimidating. I just don't know what to do."

After seeing I wasn't getting anywhere by suggesting she talk to her husband, I asked her if her husband would come in to see me. She said she would tell him I would like to talk to him. I had no idea what I was in for....