Boundaries Blog — Guest Post

Burnout sneaks up slowly over time, hitting you when you least expect it. It’s also on a continuum. At one end is a mild form of burnout where you can still function externally but are suffering inwardly. At the other end, you’re so exhausted you can’t get out of bed, much less function. Most who struggle with burnout find themselves sliding back and forth on the continuum. Bear in mind, the more severe and chronic your burnout, the greater your risk for physical and mental health problems.

If you are struggling, I suggest you avoid the temptation to view life as a continuous sprint with the goal of doing more and more, faster and faster. While periodic sprints are sometimes necessary, sprints should be the exception, not the rule. It may be more helpful to view life as a marathon....

Ephesians 4:26 says, “Be ye angry, and sin not.” Considering the spiritually, mentally, and physically destructive potential of anger, why doesn’t the scripture say, “Do not be angry so you won’t sin”?

Is anger ever a good thing? The answer is yes, sometimes it is. Anger is not a sin. No emotion is a sin. So why this warning about anger and not sadness or fear? I believe it’s a question of valence. Let me explain. One way to study emotions through an academic lens is to categorize them in ways that clarify similarities and differences. Two common categories are called valence and motivational direction....

The first time I was explicitly taught about boundaries was by my Christian therapist. While it seemed that everyone I knew took pity on my mother, my therapist was the first to suggest I might benefit from moving out of my mother’s house and finding a different church. At the time, I thought that leaving my mother’s house was an act of disobedience, and leaving church an act of disloyalty (and perhaps even blasphemy).

Still, I became more open to her advice as I grew to trust her little by little. I still remember her reaction when I told her I saved enough money to properly move out of my mother’s house. She let out a faint smile of relief, straightened up in her chair, exhaled, and proceeded to teach me the most important lesson about boundaries.

The word no has to be one of the most powerful and liberating words in the human language. No other word does what the word no does! Rather than close doors, no often makes sure that the opportunities already opened remain accessible.

Balanced people love the word no. They understand that no paves the road to realizing greatness by creating space in our lives ...

Authors Henry Cloud and John Townsend define a boundary as "a property line." One of the functions of healthy boundaries is to protect the "property" of our relationship from trespassing. In Boundaries in Marriage, Cloud and Townsend write, "While many dynamics go into producing and maintaining love, over and over again one issue is at the top of the list: boundaries. When boundaries are not established in the beginning of a marriage, or when they break down, marriages break down as well.... For this intimacy to develop and grow, there must be boundaries."

As Audrey and I entered into marriage, we knew that the locomotive of our love would not stay on track without boundaries....