Boundaries Blog — marriage issues
The Secret to Changing Your Spouse
Lynn was weary of Tom's chronic lateness in coming home from work. Because he owned his own business, he was often delayed at work. It seemed like such a little thing, but as time passed, Tom's tardiness became a big problem. Lynn would arrange her day to have dinner and the kids ready on time, and she wanted Tom to be home on time as well.
Reminding, nagging, and cajoling Tom had been ineffective. Tom would either defend himself by saying, "You don't appreciate the work I have to do to put food on the table," or he would simply deny the problem altogether ...
Why Your Spouse Will Fail You and What to Do About It
The person you love the most and have committed your life to is an imperfect being. This person is guaranteed to hurt you and fail you in many ways, some serious and some not. You can expect the failures to come....
When Setting Boundaries Feels Scary
A woman came to see me (Dr. Cloud) once for help in her marriage. She described her husband as so "powerful" and "intimidating" she just could not find it in herself to talk to him about things bothering her.
"Why don't you just talk to him about these things?" I asked.
"Oh, I just couldn't do that," she would reply. "He's too strong. He's so intimidating. I just don't know what to do."
After seeing I wasn't getting anywhere by suggesting she talk to her husband, I asked her if her husband would come in to see me. She said she would tell him I would like to talk to him. I had no idea what I was in for....
Do This One Thing to Improve Any Relationship
People who want to improve a relationship often talk about talking. That is, they bring up what happened, what went wrong in their experience, and come up with solutions. Here are some examples:
- Remember when I said I needed space and listening, not solutions and homework assignments? It happened again; let's fix this.
- I don't want to sound childish, but I've been trying to be more open about the job problem, and it still feels as if you want just good news from me about work. I really need you to hang in there with me.
- It feels as if you're impatient with me when I go to a deeper level now, as if I ought to have my act together. That's hard for me; are you really feeling that way?...
What Are Boundaries Really All About?
There is a lot of misunderstanding about boundaries, especially in the context of marriage. Some people are against boundaries because they see them as selfish. Other people actually use boundaries to be selfish. Both are wrong. Boundaries in marriage are basically about self-control.
A client once said to me (Dr. Townsend), "I set some boundaries on my husband. I told him that he could not talk to me that way anymore. And it did not work. What do I do now?"
"What you have done is not boundaries at all," I replied....