Boundaries Blog — trust

What to Do When Trust Is Broken

What to Do When Trust Is Broken

Several years ago, I (Dr. Cloud) went to a conference on working with character disorders, and the instructor was giving a list of priorities to psychologists who treat them. "Character disorder" is a catch-all term, but one way of defining it is "people who do not take ownership and responsibility for their lives."

I will never forget what the instructor said about the number-one priority—other than protecting your personal safety—in treating character disorders. He said, "As soon as there is any kind of deception, stop everything."...

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Why Your Spouse Will Fail You and What to Do About It

Why Your Spouse Will Fail You and What to Do About It

The person you love the most and have committed your life to is an imperfect being. This person is guaranteed to hurt you and fail you in many ways, some serious and some not. You can expect the failures to come....

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How to Forgive When It's Hard to Forget

How to Forgive When It's Hard to Forget

"I know I'm supposed to forgive," a woman said to me (Dr. Cloud) at a recent seminar. "But, I just can't open myself up to that kind of hurt anymore. I know I should forgive him and trust him, but if I let him back in, the same thing will happen, and I can't go through that again."

"Who said anything about 'trusting' him?" I asked. "I don't think you should trust him either."

"But you said I was supposed to forgive him, and if I do that, doesn't that mean giving him another chance? Don't I have to open up to him again?"

"No, you don't," I replied....

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How to Set Boundaries on Yourself

How to Set Boundaries on Yourself

Sarah had been working on major boundaries issues in her therapy for a while now. She was seeing progress in resolving responsibility conflicts with her parents, her husband, and her kids. Yet today she introduced a new issue.

"I haven't told you about this relationship before, though I guess I should have. I have tremendous boundary problems with this woman. She eats too much, and has an attacking tongue. She's undependable — lets me down all the time. And she's spent money of mine and hasn't paid me back in years."

"Why haven't you mentioned her before?" I asked.

"Because she's me," Sarah replied....

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The Two Types of Liars

The Two Types of Liars

The ability to build a healthy relationship is based on the degree to which you are able to be clear and honest about everything, especially in a dating situation. Sometimes, people will deceive each other about the nature of other people in their lives. They may act like someone is "just a friend," when in reality there is more of a history or more in the present than is being said.

For example, I (Dr. Cloud) was working with a man named Frank who was trying to figure out his relationship with the woman he was dating. He had a funny feeling that something was wrong....

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