Boundaries Blog — Boundaries in Marriage

Lynn was weary of Tom's chronic lateness in coming home from work. Because he owned his own business, he was often delayed at work. It seemed like such a little thing, but as time passed, Tom's tardiness became a big problem. Lynn would arrange her day to have dinner and the kids ready on time, and she wanted Tom to be home on time as well.

Reminding, nagging, and cajoling Tom had been ineffective. Tom would either defend himself by saying, "You don't appreciate the work I have to do to put food on the table," or he would simply deny the problem altogether ...

Authors Henry Cloud and John Townsend define a boundary as "a property line." One of the functions of healthy boundaries is to protect the "property" of our relationship from trespassing. In Boundaries in Marriage, Cloud and Townsend write, "While many dynamics go into producing and maintaining love, over and over again one issue is at the top of the list: boundaries. When boundaries are not established in the beginning of a marriage, or when they break down, marriages break down as well.... For this intimacy to develop and grow, there must be boundaries."

As Audrey and I entered into marriage, we knew that the locomotive of our love would not stay on track without boundaries....

There is a lot of misunderstanding about boundaries, especially in the context of marriage. Some people are against boundaries because they see them as selfish. Other people actually use boundaries to be selfish. Both are wrong. Boundaries in marriage are basically about self-control.

A client once said to me (Dr. Townsend), "I set some boundaries on my husband. I told him that he could not talk to me that way anymore. And it did not work. What do I do now?"

"What you have done is not boundaries at all," I replied....

When you marry someone, you take on the burden of loving your spouse deeply and caring for him or her as for no other. You care about how you affect your spouse; you care about your spouse's welfare and feelings. If one spouse feels no sense of responsibility to the other, this spouse is, in effect, trying to live married life as a single person. On the other hand, you can't cross the line of responsibility. You need to avoid taking ownership for your mate's life.

The law of responsibility in marriage is this: We are responsible to each other, but not for each other....