How to Guarantee that People Will Want to Be Close to You

Boundaries in Marriage

Amy and Randall had been married for eight years, and they loved each other. However, when he was angry or upset, Randall became moody and would withdraw from Amy and the kids, except for occasional outbursts of anger. When his manufacturing business was struggling, he would sit silently through dinner. Once, during this period, the children were arguing at the dinner table. Out of the blue, Randall said, "Amy, can't you keep these children in line? I can't even have a moment's peace in my own home!" And with that, he stormed out of the kitchen into his home office, turned on the computer, and stayed there until the kids went to bed.

Amy was hurt and confused. But she had a pattern of "handling" Randall's moods. She would try to cheer him up by being positive, encouraging, and compliant. "He has a hard job," Amy would think. "Nurturance is what he needs." And for the next few hours, and sometimes days, she would center the family's existence around Dad's mood. Everyone would walk on eggshells around him. No one was to complain or be negative about any subject, for fear of setting him off again. And Amy would constantly try to draw him out, affirm him, and make him happy. All her emotional energy went into helping Randall feel better.

Amy and Randall's struggle illustrates the importance of the first law of boundaries: "The Law of Sowing and Reaping." Simply put, this principle means that our actions have consequences. When we do loving, responsible things, people draw close to us. When we are unloving or irresponsible, people withdraw from us by emotionally shutting down, or avoiding us, or eventually leaving the relationship.

In their marriage, Randall was sowing anger, selfishness, and withdrawal of love. These hurt Amy's feelings and disrupted the family. Yet Randall was not paying any consequences for what he was sowing. He could have his tantrum, get over it, and go about his business as if nothing had happened. Amy, however, had a problem. She was bearing the entire burden of his moodiness. She stopped what she was doing to take on the project of changing her moody husband into a happy man. Randall was "playing," and Amy was "paying." And because of this, he was not changing his ways. Randall had no incentive to change, as Amy, not he, was dealing with his problem.

What consequence should Randall have been experiencing? Amy could have said to him, "Honey, I know you're under stress, and I want to support any way I can. But your withdrawal and rage hurt me and the children. They are unacceptable. I want you to talk more respectfully to us when you're in a bad mood. The next time you yell at us like that, we'll need some emotional distance from you for a while. We may leave the house and go to a movie or see some friends." Then Randall would have to deal with the result of his actions: loneliness and isolation.

When you sow mistreatment of people, you should reap people's not wanting to be around you. It is to be hoped that the pain of this loneliness would help Randall take steps to deal with his feelings. Sowing and reaping has to do with how spouses affect and impact each other's heart. Amy and Randall had a problem in relational sowing and reaping. He was being hurtful and difficult, yet Amy took the consequences of his behavior for him.

In their relationship, the one who has the problem isn't facing the effects of the problem. And things don't change in a marriage until the spouse who is taking responsibility for a problem that is not hers decides to say or do something about it. This can range from mentioning how her spouse's behavior hurts her feelings, all the way to setting a limit on the behavior. This helps place both the sowing and the reaping with the same person and begins to solve the boundary violation.

            

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  • nadia on

    Obviously you are a person that have done some work within through a therapist, or books, and resources that helped you to recognized your own patterns. But show me a guy that do not know himself and all he knows is to act in anger, blame others for his own problems, cant see pass of his own hurt, selfish, self-centered, and extremely abusive. The propose of this book is not a formula. And cant be apply to all cases.

  • Christina on

    Beautifully spoken. Your reply gave me valuable insight about someone I love. Thank you!

  • Sue on

    Thank you, Michael for your very helpful words and process explanation! You were brave to share what you did and it is very helpful to many of us!

  • Vivian on

    Seems like it comes back to feeling safe in communicating for all involved about all that is going on for each other. This comes back to having a safe space for communicating as an ongoing part of the relationship(s). That takes intentional effort and time. For me, definitely prayer about it all would be helpful. I tend to withdraw or isolate myself. I am just learning to identify my own emotions, own them and learning healthy ways to deal with them and share them with others involved. Identifying the issues and sharing those on a regular basis and ‘entering the other persons world’/empathy would help some I think. Boundaries in the moment for not hurting others are vital, but making sure the issues, the real issues, get talked over and shared is foundational to dealing with the hurtful behaviors.

  • Kyle on

    I Agree that our society has zero expectations that a woman should become someone of character and value. While the man is expected to be everything. And the women just say I’m just not happy and bounce to the next guy. Whatever that means. Trust me men aren’t happy either. Truth is happiness is despicable to most men if its not earned. Wed rather be honorable than happy because it gives us meaning. Women just want to be happy without being something of value. If husband’s preformed there jobs the same as these so called stay at home wives you’d be hungry, broke, and living in a dump. Ask a man what he did today and he’ll have something to show you. Ask a woman what she did today and she’ll turn around in her pajamas point to the children playing amongst the clutter that’s been there so long is practically home decor. Talking over season six of prison break, she’ll swear it was the worst day of her life.



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