Boundaries Blog — communication

When setting boundaries with someone, it's important to differentiate between what you prefer and what's actually wrong. Before you talk to someone about changing his behavior, figure out if what he is doing is really a "bad" thing or just something you don't like.

I (Dr. Cloud) refer to this distinction as a test I like to call "Would God and the Beverly Hillbillies Agree?" Here's what I mean: Some things are just things you don't like and want someone to change, but that person is not really doing anything wrong. Depending on where you come from, it may be acceptable or not....

We sometimes reward (through actions) and praise (through words) our spouses, employees, children, and friends in ways that can actually harm them, even though it feels good at the time because it seems so positive. But what seems positive is not always what is best. A pizza slice or two is positive—but four can cause problems. These unwise reward/praise approaches, although well intentioned, create bad fruit. Remember—these are patterns, not isolated events. Doing these things every now and then would be all right, but when they become trends, they risk fostering attitudes of entitlement....

Some parents fear that if they set boundaries with teens, it will cause their son or daughter to detach themselves and withdraw their love from them. This fear can cause these parents to avoid boundaries at all costs, and to do their best to keep their kid connected.

When this happens, it teaches teens that they can get their way and avoid limits by cutting off the love supply. These adolescents often have difficulty experiencing healthy adult relationships ...

You may discover over time that confronting your mother is just not worth the cost. Barring life-threatening or very serious issues, you may need to let some things go and accept things the way they are.

You don't need to leave the relationship or do anything radical. However, you may need to grieve the relationship you would like to have with your mom and connect with her in whatever way you can. Find the ceiling of what your mom is willing to look at, and love the rest. Again, this is moving from a position of dependency to a position of love. Your mom may never be able to be a part of your emotional support system. That's okay, because you can get those needs met from other supportive people. However, you can also find much satisfaction and enjoyment in finding ways to safely confront and connect with your mother....

So how can you become a wise, sober-minded person of good judgment—one who thinks rather than reacts and routinely utilizes internal as well as external data? Start by becoming an observer of how you think. It may sound strange to think about thinking, but it is important and helpful. You can begin to pay attention to your thinking by routinely observing your thoughts and by recognizing any cognitive distortions.

Life is chaotic, and sometimes too much information can cause confusion in an organization. As a result, leaders are under great pressure to think with focus and direction….