Help Your Children Develop a Balanced View of Themselves and Others

When children come into the world, they are confused about the nature of their relationships. They do not think they are dealing with one person. In their minds, there are two mommies, not one. Or, two daddies, not one. There is the “good” mommy and the “bad” one.

The good one is the one who gratifies them. When they are hungry or needy, they protest, and the good mommy comes and relieves their stress. When they are gratified, they see this mommy as “good.” But if something they want is not forthcoming and Mommy frustrates their wish, she is seen as the “bad” mommy. You may even remember this literally happening. It is not unusual for a child to hear “no” and say, “Bad Mommy.” This split is universal.

Some adults have still not resolved this problem. If you do what they want, they are very loving and see you as a good person. But if you say “no” to them, they see you as bad for not giving them what they wanted. Then when you gratify them, you are seen as good all over again.

The other side of this is what goes on inside children. When they are getting what they want, they see themselves as entitled to what they are receiving; when they are being frustrated, they see themselves as victims of the “bad mom.” So not only do they see two mommies, but they also experience two selves as well: the entitled self and the deprived self. You can probably remember seeing this in very young children. When happy, they are very happy. When angry or sad, they are very angry or sad.

But as children experience both having their needs met and being frustrated with limits, they slowly merge the two images of themselves and others. They slowly realize a few extremely important things:

  1. My needs are consistently responded to.
  2. Not all my needs and wants are gratified.
  3. The same person is both giving to me at some times and depriving me at other times—the one I love is the one I hate.
  4. I am fortunate at times, and at other times I have to deal with being frustrated.

As this combination of gratification and frustration occurs a few million times, children gain a secure sense of the world’s being “not perfect” in gratifying them all the time, but “good enough” in giving them what they need. They slowly give up their wish for the “all-good other” who is going to meet all their needs perfectly and learn to love the one who both loves them and frustrates them. And they decide people are not perfect, but good enough. Children endure enough frustration to become grateful for what they receive as they find out they are not entitled to everything they want

To accomplish this task, children need two important things from you: gratification and frustration. Children who are never gratified are in a constant state of need, and they will never feel grateful because they literally have not gotten enough. This is the danger of parenting systems that overemphasize depriving the child early in life for fear that the child will control the home. Children must have their needs met to develop trust and gratitude. As the Bible says about us and our Father in heaven, “We love because he first loved us” (see 1 John 4:19). We need to be given to first.

But children who are never frustrated never understand that they are not the center of the universe, that they are not owed whatever they want, and that others do not exist only for their needs. The balance of gratification and frustration tempers the extremes of neediness and entitlement.

The child who experiences frustration gives up the view that he’s entitled to everything he wants and that others should perform for him. In addition, he doesn’t see himself as a victim when he’s deprived, nor does he see others as bad when they do not do what he wants. He develops a balanced view of himself and others.

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Learn how to instill the kind of character in your children that will lead to a balanced, productive, and fulfilling life in Boundaries with Kids.

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Comments

  1. Lakeeia says

    This was very helpful today. It is actually one of things I’ve been wrestling with. I believe I am the parent that overemphasizes depriving my children for fear they will be in control of our home. Thank you for this article and I resolve today that I will give more.

  2. Z says

    This concept of “Good Mommy/Daddy” & “Bad Mommy/Daddy” depending on “100% Compliance” can extend into “TOXIC-PARENTS” LIVES, some being ABUSIVE as well, regarding how they treat their own CHILDREN!
    Toxic Parents never learned that their children-even when they become adults-don’t exist just to gratify the parents’ needs/wants. When one or more adult child learns to place Boundaries on parents’ abuses, demands/entitlements, that child is “BAD”.
    And the usual harmful, abusive, spiteful, retaliatory, smearing, targeting behaviors begin. They get their other children & others to abusively target, ostracize & smear them too. (Enablers, who never say “No” for fear of same payback.)
    When Toxic Parents get from the enabling adult children what they feel they are entitled to get (EVERYTHING THEY WANT!), then those adult children are “Good”-BUT only as long as they comply with parents’ demands.
    Set a Boundary or say “No”>”Bad Child”.
    Seriously messed up.
    The healthy adult child “Guarding their heart” has no choice but to deem those Toxic Parents “UNSAFE PEOPLE” & stay away for his/her own well-being & protection.

    • Dusti Farmer says

      Sounds like you have a parent who never grew up….I have one as well. But thank God for the most part she isn’t manipulative. But I have found it difficult to set boundaries with her in certain areas – she takes it extremely personal. In my observations through the years, I’ve seen that most of the time, people who never grow up seem to be in a perpetual self-centered behavior. To whatever extent they were not valued/loved/respected as a child is usually to the same extent that they are excessively focused on themselves. Many Christians do not know that they need to allow the Holy Spirit and His people to help loose them from the old patterns they’ve adapted as children. My condolences to you for your plight with your parent or parents. I’m lifting up prayers on your behalf that somehow God intervenes and does a work in both of you to be reconciled & that He’ll restore open & loving communication between you in a powerful way. Grace to you~ Dusti R Farmer

    • Star says

      Wow Z, this is my mom! I didn’t even know her cycle wasn’t “ok” until my husband started pointing it out. To keep me from doing the same thing to my kids I needed to become aware QUICK. We also asked my mom to seek healing and when she refused I had to sever the relationship. Maybe someday when I’m stronger but she’s getting older. For now, I love her from a distance. Not until I stopped talking to her did my aunts share information with me I never knew about their childhoods. Helps with compassion and forgiveness and understanding to know these things. I hope you can find those things as well. We are children of God and He did everything for us and LOVES us no matter what!

  3. Pam says

    Thank you for this exciting article. I know it’s about children but as children of God it is also about God I think? I’m feeling rather frustrated this morning myself. We have a zoom chat on Sundays because of Covid restrictions. I get so frustrated (mostly with myself for not being able to express myself better) when I hear others talk about how God shows favoritism or the Old Testament shows God as wrathful and unloving and that they find it hard to find Jesus in the stories…. I feel I need to go to war on God’s behalf and that is hardly loving! Or when they blame God for the mess we as humans create, or the guns we produce, the unkindness we show. I see Jesus everywhere in the Old Testament mostly in the mercy of God that runs through it. The bad things can be seen as good, even when everything is dark and it hurts so bad …. and He does “allow” bad things. I absolutely hate the word victim because I do believe that God can take the bad and the good and work with it. I find it frustrating when a victim is found in a story when the ‘victim’ is normally guilty too. In the times when I’m struggling I know that God is with me and I can hear again what my Mom would say to me when as a child I would be hurt or cross about something “there are a lot of people in this world sweetheart and God must listen to them all, you must learn patience” It always takes me back to the Bible (2 Peter 3:8-9) where it says a day is like a thousand years, that God is patient wanting everyone to come to repentance. Perhaps that’s why sometimes He can’t step in, why He makes decisions we don’t understand because He is listening to everyone? Sometimes it’s hard because all one can hear is the agony of one’s own heart and the why’s and then He pours on His balm and all is quiet inside again. Should we only expect good from God. Thanks for this article because when I read it , parent becomes God and in perhaps a more childlike way I see a more balanced view of God. Just not sure what to do about my frustration except to remind myself again that there is much neuro- diversity amongst us humans and that we cannot hope to have people think like we do, as they cannot hope for us to think as they do and that makes for stimulating conversation 🙂 and to work on the things that I can.

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