Boundaries Blog — conflict

So how can you become a wise, sober-minded person of good judgment—one who thinks rather than reacts and routinely utilizes internal as well as external data? Start by becoming an observer of how you think. It may sound strange to think about thinking, but it is important and helpful. You can begin to pay attention to your thinking by routinely observing your thoughts and by recognizing any cognitive distortions.

Life is chaotic, and sometimes too much information can cause confusion in an organization. As a result, leaders are under great pressure to think with focus and direction….

Telling other people what you want is key to feeling alive in a relationship and keeping things vibrant for both people. If only one person is getting his or her desires met, the relationship suffers. Unfortunately, many people do not get what they want in a relationship. But, they could if they knew how to communicate their desires.

For example, Peter began dating Marla. At first, he was in absolute heaven. She was so "easy to get along with," he said. About five months later, though, something happened. "I broke up with Marla," he said. "It just wasn't working out."

"What happened?" I (Dr. Cloud) asked....

"I don't know if this boundary stuff really works for me," Jill told me (Dr. Townsend). She was having problems with her 14-year-old daughter. Holly was skipping classes at school and had been caught drinking. Things were definitely headed in the wrong direction, and Jill wanted to act before it was too late.

"What happened?" I asked.

"Well, I sat down and told her, 'Things are going to have to change around here. I'm going to set some boundaries with you. This is for your own good. You need to stop the ditching and drinking.'"

"What happened then?"

"She got mad at me, yelled, and left the room….”

Jill had thought that simply being direct and honest was all that was needed to set boundaries. But it isn't. There are four necessary principles that must be used in order make boundaries succeed in difficult situations ...

I (Dr. John Townsend) have talked to many young adults who have told me, “When I was a teenager, I acted like my parents had nothing to say to me. I couldn’t afford to act differently. But inside, it mattered a lot what they said.”

You can’t predict how telling the truth and establishing healthy boundaries will affect a teen, nor can you predict when the change will occur.... Don't let your fears and discouragement limit a process of growth that God designed for your child....

When my wife, Barbi, and I (Dr. Townsend) were first married, we used to have conflicts about conflict. Looking back, it's kind of funny as I later went on to write a Christian relationship book called Boundaries in Marriage. Imagine watching us have boundary conversations about how bad our marriage boundaries were. Barbi's approach to conflict was to avoid it. My approach tended to be more blunt. We'd talk about a problem and it wouldn't go well. One of us would misunderstand, we would pull away from each other, and the problem wouldn't get solved.

One day, I asked Barbi, "When we argue, I never stop loving you. Is there anything I can do to make this better for you?" She thought a minute and said, "Maybe if you let me know you love me before you confront me, that might help."...